When you and your ex-spouse don’t get along, it can make communication very tricky — and it’s wise to be cautious about what you say. Because ex-spouses often have a lot of conflicts, it’s common to limit communication to emails, instant messages and texts. You still need to be careful, however, with what you write. Anything overtly hostile, threatening or inappropriate in a message may eventually find its way into court — and that can complicate your custody situation.
Tips for Communicating with Your Ex
To avoid problems, here are a few things you should keep in mind:
- Choose your battles carefully. You can’t win every fight, so focus on the most important issues and let the rest slide.
- Talk about the issues, not your ex’s character. If your ex-spouse isn’t making certain that the kids are getting their homework done, for example, focus on why that’s a problem — not the fact that you think it’s one more example of how your ex is a lazy, uninvolved and neglectful parent.
- Limit your conversation as much as possible. Ideally, you should keep every message brief, professional in tone and clear. State the problem, the proposed solution and express your thanks for their willingness to work with you for the children’s benefit (even if you think they’re not particularly accommodating).
- If your ex responds to messages with rude, hateful and accusatory messages of their own, do not fire back. Take the high road. Remain calm and focus on the issue that prompted the conversation. If you ever have to take those messages into court, you’ll be glad you did.
- Keep your opinions and advice to yourself. Whether you like it or not, now that you are divorced what you think of the other parent and his/her actions is generally no longer your business. If you think that your ex-spouse is still a lazy, useless, good for nothing and should be looking for a job, you should not share your opinion. If you think that your ex-spouse should be dating people his/her own age, you should not share your opinion. Your ex-spouse no longer cares what you think and certainly is not going to appreciate your unsolicited advice. Stop giving it.
- Don’t tell your ex-spouse how to parent. There should be no communications that include the words “you should.” Emails that tell the other parent “you should actually spend time with your children and not leave them with your mother all the time” or “you should be sitting with the kids and helping them with their homework” are not appropriate. You can parent the children when they are with you, how you believe is appropriate, and the other parent gets to do the same. That’s just how it works when children have separate homes.
- Use a low-conflict communication protocol. It’s easy to fire off a knee-jerk reaction to your ex’s obnoxious email, but at the same time, you know that will just fuel unnecessary drama. In order to decrease conflict, it’s vital to understand that nothing you say or write will change the past, or your ex’s personality. You are communicating with your co-parent for one reason only: to share information about your kids. So, when writing your ex, keep these guidelines in mind: be concise, share facts only (your opinion about his or her shoddy parenting is not a fact!), use a neutral tone, and be firm, i.e., don’t engage in a protracted negotiation.
- Don’t triangulate the kids. Bad-mouthing your ex to your kids, or telling them to call you if they don’t like the rules at Dad’s house (see boundaries, above!), will ramp up co-parenting conflict. If your ex is doing anything truly egregious, i.e. violating the court order, consult an attorney and leave your kids out of it. If your kids repeat things your ex has told them about you, calmly correct any inaccuracies and explain that it’s not their job to work out adult problems.
How Can Your Family Law Attorney Help?
A cooperative approach in all parenting matters following divorce or the end of a nonmarital relationship will help both parents provide the best possible care for their children. If your relationship with your children’s other parent remains acrimonious, it may negatively affect the quality of the relationship that your children have with both parents. Strong communication and continued cooperation between divorced parents will establish a more stable environment for children to adapt and thrive long term. Sometimes this is impossible and an experienced family law attorney is needed in order to facilitate legal guidelines and boundaries.
If you and your ex-spouse have children under 18 when your divorce is completed, you will likely share parenting responsibilities. The parenting plan that is developed as part of the divorce process will provide specifics on where the children will spend their days and nights, as well as each parent’s role in making decisions about education, health care, religious training and other matters. Your attorney will make sure that if your ex is not following this parenting plan, then they will take the necessary steps in order to legally enforce it.
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